Life as Art

Over the past several years, I’ve tried to start blogs based on some specific part of my identity; I’d been a mental health therapist and tried a wellness podcast, when I was a stay at home parent I tried blogging on parenthood, TikTok pop-psych bullshit, tried another blog later on something else, the list goes on. I’d always become disinterested or unfocused on it within a rather brief period of time, or what’s probably more true, is that life got in the way. Things kept happening and I’d tell myself I’d pick it up after managing whatever crisis was at hand. Funny, right?! Shit just never stops.

Then the whole idea of “lifestyle blogs” came up. People sharing many aspects of their life but, like, it always looked so beautiful and curated or able to maintain the specific identity of city-girl/granola-mom/Christian-wife/bad-ass-boss-bitch-buy-my-bullshit women with perfect hair or sharing themed images with the same filter who seemingly “have it all together”. No shade at all - it’s gorgeous and I have definitely been influenced to by the whatever they’re selling. But me? Nicki? Nah. Don’t know how.

Something about my spirit will just not be contained/disciplined/whatever enough to follow through on curating an image or character that might be more palatable and more likely to be consumed.

If we’re using food analogies, in comparison to the palatable and carefully created influencer, I might be the too-spicy-for-most Thai curry accompanied by some weird side dish you’ve never seen the likes of. Someone forces you to try it. You gather your courage to stick whatever that thing is in your mouth. You are either obsessed or you make that face your dog does when he’s puking up the grass you told him not to eat. Yeah, that’s me. Nobody talks about me and says, “she’s nice”, or “yeah, she’d totally fit in with my church group”. It’s probably more like, “she’s bold” and, “I could never introduce her to my church group but somehow, I still want to. It could become a very entertaining spectacle”.

It’s not that I want to paint myself as some crazy fucking rebel who has made being anti-establishment my entire personality. It’s more that I cannot seem to fully commit to being tactful despite being able to appear tactful when necessary. I’m making this thing for me, so I don’t really care about tact in this space.

What do I care about? Well, my boyfriend and I have developed a framework for how to approach life. It’s called the “Five F’s” and I really think it aligns with what’s important to me:

1.Fishing
2.Family
3.Food
4.Fucking
5.Fighting

Some of these topics might be covered in this blog, and some of them will likely not be covered (some things are just sacred and there is something so gorgeous about that - also I have adolescents and I'm already embarrassed for them). What I have found with these categories are that they often transpire into so much more complex. That’s why they’re truly values - they envelope what's important and the worthiness of how we spend our time (shit, maybe I should start a church). For example, when I’m fishing, what I might really be experiencing is the way wading in a trout stream can take away the pressure in my body cause by anxiety, worry, and the perpetual task-management of living in this world. When shoving a bite of food in my mouth and I can feel the flavor swell on my tongue, why does there happen to be a memory of a certain time and place? Why is it that I suddenly experience all of that in my body? Sometimes fucking starts with love, and what makes a person love another person? Could it be the food or maybe it’s the fighting? See? This is the shit that just bonks around on itself in my head. I have to get it out.

I think the reason I’ve always had a difficult time compartmentalizing my identity for the sake of “building a brand” or whatever they say, is because I think the most interesting thing about me -what makes me want to share anything- is the complexity of my Being; a complexity that we all behold but rarely embody.

Listen, I’m a middle-aged gal now, the fucks are at an all-time low, and I am feeling time pass by at a breakneck speed. There is no more dilly-dallying or lolly-gagging or saying “someday” or worrying what people think. They’ve always thought what they’ve thought and somehow I’ve managed and had at least one decent person by my side who will show me I’m still lovable despite the pain of rejection or judgment. I’m ready to allow myself this experience of being fully embodied in who I really am.

That being said, let’s go on a little journey together so I can show you my mediocre performance in things I love and that make me appreciate the beauty of life. It won’t be pretty, but it will be beautiful; when considering art, there is beauty even in the ugliness of it. Because I am multi-faceted, expect to be bored with some of content and expect to be intrigued by other things I share. You're multi-faceted, too, so not everything's going to fit. Maybe you’ll love to hate it and/or hate to love it. Hell, for the haters, I hope you find some pleasure in judging it. Fuck it. It’s all art.