Yeah, I have an entire page dedicated to fucking. Just kidding. Let’s talk about passion, emotions, the intense moments in life that make us feel alive and maybe devastated sometimes.
September 20, 2026
My life hasn’t been easy. Things have been particularly difficult lately and when I’ve tried to track back so I can say, “God, I wish things were the way they were back then”, I find myself searching and searching and I just don’t fucking know. I’ve joked that I am “chronically dissatisfied”, as if I’m constantly trying to find something to be upset about. But the reality is that I am really not so petty. Without getting into specifics, when I review the timeline, I cannot think of more than a 6 month period in the last decade in which I wasn’t being tortured by something that most others would find torturous as well.
It’s been difficult to know how to handle this. Very recently, I’ve had the realization that I’m constantly busy. My time has been consumed by trying to get out of whatever situation I am in. This blog is probably one of the only things I’ve done in the past month that has honored my humanity and interests. For the most part, I’m problem-solving, anticipating next moves, trying to keep up with the things I’m responsible for even though I seem to be falling behind in every area. There aren’t enough hours in a day, there aren’t enough calories to give the energy to complete everything, and then there are the hours that I am just contemplating what the actually next right move is. Like right now. Should I continue in the MBA program I just started? Should I be applying for jobs that help me transition from social work? Should I be fishing, touching grass, and taking a moment for my Self? Should I be cleaning this house or working on things for work that have been back-burnered, walking the dogs who are perpetually restless, chatting up my son and watching the show he’s asked me to watch with him for over 6 months? Nothing seems like the thing I should be doing but I’m doing all of them with half-effort.
Everything feels so futile and not-enough.
What would I rather be doing? What actually feels important to me? When we start asking ourselves about things like “Purpose” as it pertains to how we spend our time, what endeavors actually matter, etc., I am fucking dumbfounded. I don’t know what actually matters to me. I thought it was my relationships. I thought it was helping or loving people. I thought it was to have a life that had an element of effortlessness. But nothing really seems to resonate anymore. Despite my life experience and despite my poignant posts on social media, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I care too much about most things so nothing can really be gauged as most important. It makes everything feel unimportant and I just wish I didn’t care about anything. Maybe then I could feel some god damned peace.
Life as Art 